Curriedflavouredflipproductions

The bottom line is:

Responsible Fathers cannot hide. They have a job to do.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/libby_purves/article7044594.ece

All those men who run away, who mistreat their other half, not prepared to spend money on their partners and children, are too immature to maintain a respectful relationship, too afraid to commit then I would suggest you skip this blog and read something else.

Working in schools for over 15 years is a privaledged access to examine the genesis of all kinds of human behaviour. Through the safeguarding legislation and educational achievement some of us teachers are automatically involved in the relationships between parents and their children. You will be surprised how frequently we have to mediate between parents and children, parents against their partners, absent fathers (I do not mean violent and dangerous men who have been given a court order to stay away from their child/ren) and irresponsible mothers (for some reason or another the mothers who lie and cheat to prevent the father from accessing the child).

You can have poverty, illness and social injustices, however, some of the worst cases are when love is lost between two parents. Leading one parent to be struggling to raise the child/ren on their own. School is treated as a battleground for spiteful and other damaging behaviours. The effects on the childs attainment is devastating. When you see how the affected children behave in the classroom, learning almost comes to a standstill for them and their peers. Unfortunately inner city schools have a great proportion of inbalanced families with protection orders extended to include the school of the children.

I am not in the position of being judge and jury. I cannot say, just fix things by making sure that you have met the right person to love. Neither, would I want to be responsible for forcing couples to love one another when it is clear there has been a terrible breakdown. My main interests lie with stopping the bickering, put the children first before oneself by ensuring the child/ren are safe.

When I am mediating, I refer to notes I made years ago. According to Loeber, 1990, one of the best predictors of childrens conduct disturbances is parental supervision. Children whose parents are not involved in their everyday life, are more likely to develop antisocial personalities.

The key point is Parents, by definition, reasonably adjusted people sharing the burden of bringing up the children despite of the incredible challenges and sacrifices. Unfortunately I meet hundreds of mothers doing it on their own.

Balanced fathers (I mean those who do not fit the category of weak, depressed, drugged, or lovelorn regularly intimidating their women) are crucial to the development of the child. Uncompromisingly, if we father a child, we set up a non-negotiable duty. There is no such thing as “baby fathers” or "baby mothers". It is our duty to ensure that our children are safe.

Life is not perfect; the responsibility of being a Father may be difficult to live up to. The ideal ingredients being, not a teenager, correct sense of humour mixed with self respect. Don’t expect a thanks at the end of child rearing. Learn to step back from moments and realise your life is not all about you anymore. Just know that you were doing what you ought to have done. For, we were there at the conception; we took that risk like men, so we must take the consequences.

What consequences?

Depends on what side of the fence you are on. On the one side you have fear, expense, old wardrobe, aging car, insecurity, loss of freedom, reduced parties, lack of knowledge (basically you know that you do not know what you are doing), tired at work, sleepless nights, worry, loss of self-confidence, loss of routine, lack of attention in everyway from your other half and sometimes plain boredom.

Compare this to what you cannot script or control or even buy.

The mysteries of pregnancy, antenatal classes, hospitals, mystery of birth, finding a suitable name, pushchair buying, finding a big enough home, decorating, rocking the babies to sleep, first clothes, first bath, first words, first steps, first reading, first maths, first driving lesson, time when they leave home for their adventures, passing on acquired skills, barbershop trips, storytelling, trips to the park, holidays, parties, real hugs, laughter, playing, exciting children films, 1st days at school, concerts, parents evenings, more children, sharing priceless moments with your other half, friendship with other couples who have children, grandparents, the list is endless.

One day a week I manage to take my kids to school and pick them up. Imagine the look on their faces when I pick them up. You can go to the shops or the park after school. They are full of life and have so much to share. In the mornings and afterschool the playground is bursting at the seams with parents. I work in secondary school, older children do not need to be escorted to school, therefore we do not see so many people.

Why would any sane mature man want to run away?

Check out the US actor Malik Yoba and his son in my embedded movie from BET Shoptalk whats on men mind. His son asks him a typical question. How do you know when you become a man?

The bottom line is:

Qui tacet consentire videtur
He who keeps silent is assumed to consent; silence gives consent.

Did Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher bully the miners during the 80s? Was it robust management or clear leadership? Why is it permissible to print Prime Minister Gordon Brown as a bully in the 21st Century? Who has never been bullied? Who among us signed up to a job thinking it was a job/school/university of a lifetime only to be disappointed after a couple of months for the main leader/manager needs psychiatric treatment?

According to DMX, in most walks of life we can choose to live by chance or choice. Both areas lead to suffering. Is this true or are happy days definitely far away? Do you feel like you are slipping?

Unfortunately, by chance, bullies are in all spheres of life. It is as if we need them to be 100% motivationally fit. Psychologically, no stress=no response=death.
That said, we do not need to be overly stressed to prove that we need our basic provisions out of life. Further, bullying cannot legally be proven until the recipient objects to their treatment. For each recipient the goal posts are different. Sometimes out of shock, for reasons only known to ourselves, we keep quiet when we are being bullied (because it may damage our financial prospects), or worse remain quiet when a colleague is being bullied (because we are glad we are not the one in the firing line getting our ass whooped).

Regardless of our stance, we should develop enough self-integrity to read the climate signals of bullying. You have the choice to ensure duty of care for ourselves and others by:

recognising when important information is being withheld to complete a task
recognising we have been assigned a task to keep us ungainfully distracted
recognising that we have been given unrealistic deadlines to meet
recognising when the bully is denouncing or being disrespectful
recognising that the bully expects you to continuously behave in a super human way

recognising that the aim of bullying is to undermine an individuals confidence
recognising that your learning has become impaired
recognising that bullies are often individuals who are overloaded with whatever there preoccupation is in life and are often stressed out(check out their demeanor)

recognising they generally bully a number of people (including family)
recognising that the bully had a disturbing upbringing
recognising that the bully is usually the biggest bull s***t*r on this planet
recognising that the bully is a ‘billy no mates’ they do not have any real friends even if they claim that they have
recognise that your days routine is totally geared towards the bullys approval
recognising that the bully has a habit of constantly seeking new initiatives
recognising that the bully is constantly changing their minds

To counteract a hostile environment, coach one another by:
ensuring on a regular basis that we are happily engaged with whatever our preoccupation is (has to be a legitimate activity)
ensure we feel fully involved (does not require constant talking)
share goals that can be attained
strive for excellence at all costs
be realistic and know that we do fail from time to time, depending on the degree of failure expect to be reprimanded in a just way

If you happen to meet these people at work/school etc, it is your choice to stay associated with them or exit to preserve the little sanity you have left.
Whatever you decide do not remain silent and suffer for you will only slip into trouble.



I had to add this classic from the 80s for those who feel bullied in their relationships:

The bottom line is:

"Once a man, twice a child."

The Greeks have a fantastic legend called Nemesis. Basically it posits that you run and leave your past. This is not indefinite for one day your past catches up with you, proving that every action has a consequence. This is called your Nemesis.

Imagine losing 50-60 years of all the knowledge you have learned. Of all the known illnesses, it has suddenly been realised that Dementia is the least researched area. Without discussing the lack of money in the deficit pension black hole, the government knows that we have a ticking time bomb on our hands as more and more people are living longer. Length in life, limited research, comes at an expense. The cost of care verses the rate of people succumbing to dementia is alarming.

Allow me to present my Father in law:



He has had dementia for about 5 years now. I randomly asked him these questions which ordinarily he struggles to answer. Today is a good day. During the summer the condition is worse. He gets very frustrated with not being able to go where he wants, whenever he wants. His long term memory is ok. He frequently mentions names of places and people from his childhood days as if they are present here and now. It is his short term memory that is malfunctioning. He is at the stage where his memory for recognizing things has completely taken over,whereas his memory for recalling things is almost dead. (Recall memory is obtained through learning, involving some combination of practice, memorisation and application. On the other hand recognition memory is learned through exposure of our senses and does not necessarily involve any memory of origin, context or relevance)

Herein lies the problem. You dare not leave the front door unlocked. You do not leave any keys lying around. He cannot be left alone as he prone to forget what has happened within the last 10 minutes. He will ask for his wife every 10 minutes. After 10 minutes of missing her, if she is not present or in another room in the house, he will turn over everything until he finds her. For which it is very tiring for her to have him around her every minute of the day.

Further, conversation is limiting because he forgets what he discussed 10 minutes earlier. He is as dependent as our small children (it can be very testing if you have to look after small children under the age of 10 and older people at the same time. Small children do as they are told whereas older people just stubbornly follow their own mind and are more than willing to waste time in arguing with you, as well as waste time because they simply cannot hurry up. Don't expect much sympathy from your place of work, as in my experience the laws have not changed to reflect the double circumstance).
When we go out you have to constantly watch him as he will wander off within split seconds, again looking for his wife. Crowded environments such as shopping centres can be disastrous. Fortunately we live in a Borough that is investing some research in dementia. Therefore we receive some help.

The main point is, of course it is very tiring for all of us involved, however, we technically have it light compared to others. He can still walk and just about go to the toilet. My mother in-law is his main carer. I am in constant amazement at the energy of my mother in law who has been married to him for over 45 years. If this is not love, then I need a new definition. His neighbours who have lived in the same street for over 30 years have been extremely helpful, alerting us when he has managed to slip out of the house and walked off down the road. Many dementia sufferers blow into full Alzheimer’s. Loss of memory and loss of basic body functions. For people who have to deal with this, it is a painful experience even leading to loss of dignity if not loved or adequately provided for.

So why am I writing about it? What happens if you were not a kind loving person in the past? What happens if you have an unstable life where you are always moving around? What happens if you have not enjoyed the ubiquitous stable relationship we crave? What happens if you find it hard to commit?

In the old peoples centres I visit, you can tell who were the nasty characters in life. It does not mean that these people were unsuccessful. On the contrary, many had powerful positions and made good money. With all that success, unfortunately they forgot to practice kindness and end up lonely in a home. They are quite vicious in behaviour and hardly anyone drops in to visit them. It is so sad.

While we are young, find the right kind of accommodation that can house our older ones as well as our own offspring comfortably (leads to less feeling of intrusion by all if we can claim our own quiet corner). Make your peace with family members, for if the responsibility falls on you it can certainly be a time for testing. I am not convinced that my community is fully prepared. We are living in times when people find it hard to COMMIT to one person, one family. Trust me, if we cannot get this small thing right, imagine how difficult our situation is when most of our families are now spread out and slightly dysfunctional. Something we rarely talk about in Barbers shops, yet it is creeping upon us like a nasty viral disease. Particularly, as statistically, in the western world, due to reverse birth rate, there are more older people than young people in this country.

Finally when at work, stick to and spread your assets. If you are fortunate not to have incapacitated older ones to look after, negotiate time in the day for yourself, minimise the need to recall information from memory whenever possible. Practise making decisions from recognition. For when your mind/memory goes, whether it is recall or recognition, it has gone.

When conditions are right we can really enjoy a good laugh. It does not take much to build this into our lives.
Check out one of my friends, the comedian Felix Dexter in the Real McCoy show during the 90s. As far as growing up is concerned these clips by Felix and the rest of the Real McCoy crew were revolutionary as we rarely see great creativity like this on mainstream TV today. But then thats another blog! : )

The bottom line is:

"An open mind is the beginning of self-discovery and growth. We can't learn anything new until we can admit that we don't already know everything."
Erwin G. Hall

You can tell its half term. My family is at the Museums. This week we are visiting the Science Museum. I am telling you its standing room only. There are so many visitors. I have noticed you don't see black people in proportion to the amount of people there. Check out this video called 'Social Light' by Scott Snibe starring my family in the Launch Pad.



It reminds me of this song made by Herman's Hermits in 1967 which was still being played when I was having my daytime sleep in Nursery in the 70s.

The bottom line is:

"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much."
Luke 16:10

My colleagues and I were reading job applications that were sent to my place of work. It is amazing that when we apply for a job we can set a number of alarm bells off because of our inaccurate and yet truthful statements.
We got into a heated debate about is the principle Truth more important than principle Trust?

The answer is no. We need both. When the two are combined it has a powerful force of contributing to the principle of Honesty.

Why do we find it hard to speak about truthful issues today?
Religion claimed to have had a monopoly on Truth. Developments were held back because those who were seen as the guardians of truth restricted advances. What makes people disbelieve is when the very same guardians of truth resort to violence abuse in the name of protecting Truth (such as blowing up people and places).
Honestly does real Truth need protecting?
The fact is real Truth is the quality that requires some sort of personal sacrifice. We have learned not to look at politicians, religious people (even though religion has a valuable place), scientists or anyone who abuses their position of authority.
You have to learn to differentiate truthful principles for onself. Avoid being called up for trial by the judiciary for their job is to force the truth out of a situation. We must make personal preparations with no excuses. Of which many seem unable to commit. For example, if you want to buy a house and you do not have the money, then you have to make the sacrifice of saving money. It may mean curtailing a party like lifestyle. It may take years of saving. Lets be truthful you won't get what you want if you are unprepared to make a personal sacrifice. I could go onto discussing other areas in life.

So it would appear that Trust is the dominant quality out of the two. Trust is the one that records all of your financial transactions (credit reference agencies). It may help or prevent you from obtaining your first mortgage. Trust is the glue that secretly records your ability to maintain relationships. Trust is the principle, if you have stuck to your job even when it is boring and are constantly diligent, it will get you that promotion you deserve whether in the company or outside. Trust measures your integrity, then reports before all its verdict.
Trust is the one that if people or organisations were ever to doubt you, it will prevent you from moving forward in your life. Remember Trust takes a lifetime to build and yet a few seconds of insanity to destroy.

We need to learn to upkeep both qualities. Unfortunately we have all been dishonest at some point in our lives.
Don't make it a regular habit.
Dishonesty has amazing ways of resurfacing like in jobs applications we write, or for example mortgage applications.
Many do not realise that they are unable to advance in life because at some point they have not cleared up the moment or moments of dishonesty. Our lives will be a lot worse if we fail to understand these two qualities. Quite simply put, practice the hardest thing in life everyday. Be honest and count your blessings : )

Final point, despite the bottom line is a quote from the bible, if it is not practised don't make the mistake of relying on religion to make you a honest person.

One of my favourite film producers 'Jay Will' of Game Over production from my background of Jamaica makes a point out of this in the following short films:



further

The bottom line:

We have all experienced moments when we are forced into the corner of difficulties. Options seem to be limited, events seem to be a matter of chance rather than choice. How can we overcome this?

"Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others."
Winston Churchill

Remember no one is born with courage. It is a decision to dig deep into our character, look for the strength to ask for help from the right people. Leave a hostile work place, release oneself from someone who is mentally or physically bullying you. Or for reasons only known to oneself to stay in the difficult situation patiently waiting for a good and acceptable moment of release. It takes courage to believe in ones gift and be creative. To find something positive everyday requires that we practice courage. To scaffold this, the starting point is to appreciate things that money can never buy.

I think that the late Michael Jackson was courageous. Maybe that was the reason why there was a huge following at his funeral.

Below is a tribute I found on You Tube created by Sir Piers Music:



Even better, who remembers the film: "Get on the bus" by Spike Lee about the Million Man March to Washington. I went to the cinema and saw this movie in 1996. Michael Jackson contributed a song to this movie, words written by Babyface which sums up the word Courage.



I am going to add one more song. I had never heard of Kirk Franklin until I saw this movie. I am telling you as a young black male just finishing University, the whole film was quite influential.

The bottom line is:

Despite being pressured, create space in your life to declutter your thinking. Remember the 5 Rs, organise what you know into Rules, Rights, Responsibilities, Routines and Resources.

Following this,
"The second step to getting the things you want out of life is this:
Decide what you want."
Ben Stein

If we are not conscious you will find oneself in the following situation:
"The person who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life."
Muhammad Ali

A classic Jamaican film my Mum introduced to me when I was small was "The Harder they Come." The message is true. nothing ventured, nothing gained.