The bottom line is:
Responsible Fathers cannot hide. They have a job to do.
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/libby_purves/article7044594.ece
All those men who run away, who mistreat their other half, not prepared to spend money on their partners and children, are too immature to maintain a respectful relationship, too afraid to commit then I would suggest you skip this blog and read something else.
Working in schools for over 15 years is a privaledged access to examine the genesis of all kinds of human behaviour. Through the safeguarding legislation and educational achievement some of us teachers are automatically involved in the relationships between parents and their children. You will be surprised how frequently we have to mediate between parents and children, parents against their partners, absent fathers (I do not mean violent and dangerous men who have been given a court order to stay away from their child/ren) and irresponsible mothers (for some reason or another the mothers who lie and cheat to prevent the father from accessing the child).
You can have poverty, illness and social injustices, however, some of the worst cases are when love is lost between two parents. Leading one parent to be struggling to raise the child/ren on their own. School is treated as a battleground for spiteful and other damaging behaviours. The effects on the childs attainment is devastating. When you see how the affected children behave in the classroom, learning almost comes to a standstill for them and their peers. Unfortunately inner city schools have a great proportion of inbalanced families with protection orders extended to include the school of the children.
I am not in the position of being judge and jury. I cannot say, just fix things by making sure that you have met the right person to love. Neither, would I want to be responsible for forcing couples to love one another when it is clear there has been a terrible breakdown. My main interests lie with stopping the bickering, put the children first before oneself by ensuring the child/ren are safe.
When I am mediating, I refer to notes I made years ago. According to Loeber, 1990, one of the best predictors of childrens conduct disturbances is parental supervision. Children whose parents are not involved in their everyday life, are more likely to develop antisocial personalities.
The key point is Parents, by definition, reasonably adjusted people sharing the burden of bringing up the children despite of the incredible challenges and sacrifices. Unfortunately I meet hundreds of mothers doing it on their own.
Balanced fathers (I mean those who do not fit the category of weak, depressed, drugged, or lovelorn regularly intimidating their women) are crucial to the development of the child. Uncompromisingly, if we father a child, we set up a non-negotiable duty. There is no such thing as “baby fathers” or "baby mothers". It is our duty to ensure that our children are safe.
Life is not perfect; the responsibility of being a Father may be difficult to live up to. The ideal ingredients being, not a teenager, correct sense of humour mixed with self respect. Don’t expect a thanks at the end of child rearing. Learn to step back from moments and realise your life is not all about you anymore. Just know that you were doing what you ought to have done. For, we were there at the conception; we took that risk like men, so we must take the consequences.
What consequences?
Depends on what side of the fence you are on. On the one side you have fear, expense, old wardrobe, aging car, insecurity, loss of freedom, reduced parties, lack of knowledge (basically you know that you do not know what you are doing), tired at work, sleepless nights, worry, loss of self-confidence, loss of routine, lack of attention in everyway from your other half and sometimes plain boredom.
Compare this to what you cannot script or control or even buy.
The mysteries of pregnancy, antenatal classes, hospitals, mystery of birth, finding a suitable name, pushchair buying, finding a big enough home, decorating, rocking the babies to sleep, first clothes, first bath, first words, first steps, first reading, first maths, first driving lesson, time when they leave home for their adventures, passing on acquired skills, barbershop trips, storytelling, trips to the park, holidays, parties, real hugs, laughter, playing, exciting children films, 1st days at school, concerts, parents evenings, more children, sharing priceless moments with your other half, friendship with other couples who have children, grandparents, the list is endless.
One day a week I manage to take my kids to school and pick them up. Imagine the look on their faces when I pick them up. You can go to the shops or the park after school. They are full of life and have so much to share. In the mornings and afterschool the playground is bursting at the seams with parents. I work in secondary school, older children do not need to be escorted to school, therefore we do not see so many people.
Why would any sane mature man want to run away?
Check out the US actor Malik Yoba and his son in my embedded movie from BET Shoptalk whats on men mind. His son asks him a typical question. How do you know when you become a man?
100%(not 98% or 99%)4Ts=Honesty, Integrity, Responsibility and Accountability.
